Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
