My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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