I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
