I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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