Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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