Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
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She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
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Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
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