dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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