I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i barfeds in our rink
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
