This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
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You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize