i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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