girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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