i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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