We're like a lot better than the average bears
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
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He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...