someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
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