I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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