a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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