I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
