Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
