doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
