Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
