I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
