I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
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