I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
