she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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