i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
