I puked a lego.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
