She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
