guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
