I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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