Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
