i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
COCAINE IS GR8
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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