hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
