so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
