I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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