Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
