this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
