I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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