theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
