glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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