I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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