I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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