Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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