HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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