Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
