Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
