just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
