yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
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Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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