Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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