well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
