Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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