I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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