i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
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when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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