I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
