i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
