the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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