My liver just broke up with me...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I am spending my child support on dildos
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
