It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
