I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
